These statistics have plagued Tom and I both consciously and unconsciously for years because we are adult children of divorced parents. We both came from broken homes.
We have always hated that term—broken home.
It sounds so negative, so damaged. We now realize that we hated the term
because it lives up to its name. After our parents’ divorces we felt that not
only were our families broken, but something inside of us was broken as well.
Years later, when we met in college, we shared our feelings about our broken
families with each other. Looking back, we realized that one of the reasons
that we were attracted to each other was that we understood so much of one
another’s insecurity and pain, because we had experienced it in our own
families.
We know first-hand about the specific
problems that plague adult children of divorced parents, which contribute to
their high divorce rate, problems with their self-concept, problems with their
performance, and problems with their ability to do relationships successfully.
The new millennium has brought a great deal of literature about the problems of
ACODPs. Judith Wallerstein’s book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is
one of the main catalysts. In her research she followed a group of children
from affluent Marin County, near San Francisco, whose parents were divorced.
She continued to interview her subjects long into adulthood. Her findings were
unexpected, thus the title of her book. She unexpectedly found that children
were plagued by their parent’s divorce many years after the divorce took place,
even as adults with families of their own.
The finding was unexpected because the common
belief of the last few decades has been that while divorce may have a negative
affect on young children, when these children become adults, the negative
effects will disappear. Wallerstein’s case studies revealed that this was not the
case. She found that children of divorced parents struggle with many difficult
issues long into adulthood. Many of their issues centered around their
inability to develop healthy relationships. Most of Wallerstein’s subjects were
consciously aware of the negative effects of their parent’s divorce. But with
many ACODPs the affects are often unconscious, leaving them frustrated and
confused as to why they respond to certain situations in destructive or
unhealthy ways.
Because
we are both adult children of divorced parents, or ACODPs, this information has
a special meaning for us. We resonated with Wallerstein’s case examples. They
were much like our own. We have struggled with many of these issues in our
marriage. As marital and family
therapists, we also help many ACODPs deal with their relationship issues as
well. We share their struggles and triumphs. Our goal is not to blame or shame
parents who divorce, including our own. We would rather spend our energy
encouraging couples to learn the skills they need to stay married for a
lifetime. With the divorce rate cresting over fifty percent in recent years,
this can be a difficult task.
We
are not alone in our effort to support marriages. One side-effect of the high
divorce rate in our nation is that there are many good pro-marriage movements
being formed. Marriage skills training groups are sprouting up all over the
country. Pro-marriage legislation is being implemented at both the state and
national levels. More and more couples are seeking help for their relationships
from therapists, mentors, and the clergy. It seems that marriage is becoming
fashionable again.
An offshoot of the marriage movement
is that there are many great online resources for marriage. We receive an
online newsletter from The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples
Education. This organization sponsors the yearly Smart Marriages conference in
which renowned speakers on marriage and family life present programs and ideas
that strengthen marriages and families. Recently, the online newsletter was
sharing a review of Judith Wallerstein’s book. Since the book was published
there has been a great deal of controversy about her findings. Many thought
that her research methodology was not rigorous enough. Some thought that her
sample size was too small. She was criticized for using composite case examples
rather than actual data. We emailed a letter to the CMFCE Newsletter showing
our support for Dr. Wallerstein. Later the email was published in the
newsletter so other readers could respond. We want to share a copy of this
letter with you.
With all of the public dispute about Wallerstein’s research
methods, we believe in the merits of her findings. My husband
Tom and I, both children of divorce, have tried to follow her as she
makes appearances with some of the skeptical talk show terrorists, (we mean
interviewers). We applaud her, at seventy-eight years of age, for doing
something to make a mark for children. Most women her age would be playing
bridge or golf. We were two children whose parents could have benefited
from her advice. The following is a story about children of divorce
that might interest readers. There is a couple we know very well who
could have been participants in Wallerstein’s study. The wife
was a child of a very verbally and physically abusive home. It was a regular
occurrence for her to see her parents go to blows with each other over issues
like money, in-laws, and children. Frequently the abuse would spill over onto
her, especially if she tried to stop the fighting. Even though the marital
storms raged constantly in her home, the last thing she wanted was for her
parents to divorce. She wanted them to get help and work things out rather than
give up.
When she was five years old a terrible blow hit.
Her parents announced that they were divorcing. Even though the divorce
ended the daily battles, it seemed to bring on a new kind of pain. It
wasn't the financial stress of having less money, though this was hard, nor the
stigma of growing up in the 1950's as one of the few children living in a
single-parent home. It was the loneliness and pain of realizing that the two
people she loved the most could not live together, causing her family to be
destroyed.
She and her siblings could have been poster children
for Wallerstein's findings. Her older brother turned to drugs, her
sister suffered with depression and a suicide attempt, and her lost
younger brother struggled in school and with low self-esteem. By all accounts
everyone would say that she faired the best through the divorce, graduating at
the top of her class in high school, college, and even graduate
school--busying herself with overachievement to push away the pain of her
broken home. She was much like the hero, Karen, in Wallerstien's study.
It would stand to reason that marriage would be difficult
for her and, in true unconscious style, she married a man whose parents
were divorced as well. The two felt at home understanding each other's
woundedness and empathizing with each other's plights. As expected, they have had
their struggles. Both started out marriage with more than an average fear of
abandonment. Both were insecure and untrusting. Both knew that they had
no parental mentors, helpers, or examples of a commitment like
their many friends who came from intact families. They were jealous of
these friends and angry that they started their marital journey with so many
handicaps that resulted from their parents’ respective divorces.
The good news is that, because of their parents’ divorces,
and almost in spite of them, they have worked very hard to make their marriage
work for the last twenty-five years. They defied the statistics that
indicate that children of divorce have a higher divorce rate. By all accounts,
they look like a successful couple. They have successful careers, a
twenty-five-year strong marriage and two healthy, happy children. So what about
them? Are they unscathed? Couldn't we use them in a study on resilience to
counter Wallerstein's findings? Don't they prove what divorce supporters are
saying--that kids are hearty and can do just fine after their parents divorce?
No, indeed, we could not. Because even though these two
wounded souls have survived their families disintegration for more than three
decades, there is not a day that goes by, a holiday, a birthday, a special
event that they do not wish that their parents could have made it work. The
hollowness of having a fractured family haunts them both. Oh, they look
resilient and successful, but there is no doubt in their minds
that life would have been so much better if their parents had given them
the legacy of a healthy intact family.
The reason we know this couple so well is because we are
this couple. This is the story of us. We have often said that we became
marriage counselors and educators to prevent children from feeling the pain we
felt. It frustrates us to hear Wallerstein's opponents say that divorce
will not negatively affect children; that they are strong and sturdy and can
survive. From the strongest to the weakest, children suffer when their parents
divorce.
When we meet couples who are contemplating terminating
their marriage we want them to know about the alarming negative statistics
about children of divorce. We encourage them to get all of the help they can,
in hopes that they will think long and hard about their decision. We hope that
by giving them cause for pause, they will do whatever they can to learn the
skills to build a successful marriage, in order to spare their children some of
these plights.
After
writing this email, we left town for several days on a speaking tour, and when
we returned home, we were surprised to find at least thirty emails from people
who read our story and wanted to respond. Many of them strongly identified with
us and shared their own stories. Some expressed appreciation for our courage,
honesty and openness. This was very encouraging to us because telling our
story, even years later, left us feeling somewhat vulnerable and raw. We were
grateful for their support.
Some
people offered dissenting views, feeling that maybe divorce is getting a bad
rap, and that many of the feelings we expressed in our story could easily be
attributed to other childhood issues such as violence, abuse, and poor parental
communication. They argued that divorce may have even been necessary because of
the violence that occurred in Bev’s family. All of these points have merit.
But, having lived through our family struggles, it would be hard to convince us
that we would not be better off in many ways if our parents had stayed married
to each other. We feel passionately that much of the mistrust, fear, and
insecurity we brought into our marriage came from our parent’s divorces. That
is not to say that adult children of other types of dysfunctional homes do not
suffer from some of these same maladies. We are merely stating that we do. Just
admitting that helps us. This declaration helps us clarify ourselves and
motivates us to work harder on our relationship.
In
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Wallerstein wrote, “Divorce may
liberate parents but it traps their sons and daughters for years. It is a river
they have to cross that other kids don’t have. And they’ve got to find out how
to do it. They’re going to ford that river, or build a bridge over it, learn to
swim or drown.”
As
ACODPs, our marriage was drowning and we didn’t know why. We were studying to
be marriage counselors, learning all the tricks of the trade, and were
continually haunted by insecurities and fears that thwarted our marital
contentment. Acknowledging the wounds we secretly tried to repress, and
attaching these wounds to the dissolution of our parents’ marriages gave us
insight into the dysfunctional relational patterns that haunted us as newly
weds.
We
were wounded. The demise of our parent’s marriage scared us in much the same
way that it scares ACODPs today. In our excess baggage we drug around fear,
insecurity, anger, which led to low self-esteem, poor communication skills, and
a lack of conflict resolution abilities. We had no parental role models to look
to or close family mentors to guide us. We were sailing on the sea of marriage
with very poor navigational skills. Just realizing this put words and reason to
our pain. This language brought understanding and, with understanding, hope.
From
this hope sprang an awareness that we were going to consciously combat the
demons ACODPs possess. We vowed to learn skills, communication tools, and
techniques to build a healthy marriage. It worked and has continued to work for
the past twenty-five years. We share this, not to set ourselves up as
successful role models, but rather to point to our many failures and attempts
to pick ourselves up and paste our marriage back together, and forge ahead. We
feel that if we can do it, anyone can.
Now we
have the privilege of helping other
struggling ACODPs navigate the vast sea of marriage. We teach them what we have
learned, and as always, they teach us.
This volume is dedicated to them. It will include our story, complete
with marital successes and failures. We will also share real-life case examples
of couples who have honored us as our clients. Their names have been changed to
protect their privacy, but their messages are potent nonetheless.
Many of you may ask, “But what if your parent’s divorce was
actually a good thing? What if they were in constant conflict or there was
violence present?” Maybe you even wanted them to end their bad marriage to keep
the peace or to simply stop the pain in your home. Some of you knew that your
parents were miserable and you just wanted them to end their suffering. This is
true with many of the people we see in counseling. They felt that their
parent’s marriage was dead, and they just wanted them to bury it and get on
with their lives. Some of you may be divorced yourselves and feel guilty just reading
a book like this that talks about the negative effects this has had on your own
children. Sometimes divorce happens even to good people, even to people who try
to prevent it. The purpose of this book is not to induce guilt or to blame
parents who divorce. Its’ purpose is to
help all children of divorce understand its effects, and learn to deal with
these effects in a healthy way.
We do not want to debate the cause and effect of divorce,
nor do we want to argue if these ill effects could have come as a result of
other dysfunctions in the family system. Arguing about this is a waste of time.
Learning what we can do to build strong marriages makes better sense. We simply
want to point out the obvious ---divorce hurts children. As a result, parents should
do everything possible to become healthy and heal their marriage. Staying
together and trying to work out the struggles in an unfulfilling marriage
sounds like torture, but researchers Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite reported
in their book, A Case for Marriage, that even bad marriages improve over
time. They found that eighty-six percent of unhappily married couples who stuck
it out saw that, five years later, their marriages were happier. Their
conclusion is that a bad marriage is not a fixed fact. They defined a bad
marriage, not as those containing abuse and violence, but rather those that
have ordinary woes. They found that if these marriages did not end in divorce,
they actually improved over time. Just as good marriages go bad, bad marriages
can go good, if you hang in there.
All married couples
can benefit from learning how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and
build intimacy, and the purpose of this book is to show every couple how.
Contrary to what many people believe, even volatile couples can learn to have
healthy relationships if they will learn the skills to do so. Marriage is hard
work, pure and simple, and all couples can benefit from learning how to do this
hard work.
Our goal in this book is to teach ACODPs how to overcome the
legacy given them by their parent’s divorce, to teach them how to have a
healthy, successful, lasting marriage in spite of the wounds that occurred in
their lives as a result of their family’s dissolution. It is to teach them how
to beat the odds against them in marriage.
If
you are an ACODP or are married to one, or if you just want to learn more about
building a healthy marriage, read on. You will learn how to build a bridge of
awareness about how your woundedness affects your marriage, how to successfully
swim the channel of marital conflict, and to ford the river of dyadic
communication. As we learn from each other’s mistakes and are shored up by each
other’s triumphs, together we as ACODP’s can save each other from drowning. We
can all cross Wallerstein's metaphorical river together with the hope that our
destiny will be quite different from our parents. Together we can beat the
odds. God bless you in your journey to the other side.